I sit here and read my other personal, private blog, the blog I write everything in, every single day… the blog I write about what I did from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to bed… who I spent every hour with, what I ate, what the weather was like, because I never ever want to forget these things… posts from a year ago at this time, posts from a month ago at this time. I almost get in a trance… and forget where I am… then I snap out of it and realize that I was daydreaming of every little thing I was reading, every person I was writing about, every moment, every experience.

Then I look at the time and see that it’s almost midnight and I wonder where the past 8 hours have gone and think what I did all day and realize that I did absolutely nothing, the same thing I did every other day this winter break, but this time I was here instead of there. I was alone and all I ate today was 8 chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of water. My cat hasn’t left my side and I haven’t left the couch other than to take a shower to wash away the tears, and to move to my bedroom where my heated blanket is.

The last real semester of my college career starts tomorrow. I may be getting ahead of myself, and I don’t want to jinx it, but it’s going to be a very easy semester academically… but an extremely difficult semester emotionally. I move home in (perhaps) exactly four months. I move home for good. In four months, I will be leaving this horrible place and I’ll be living permanently in a city I belong in. I won’t have to worry about leaving… I won’t have to leave every Sunday to go back to some distant place… I won’t have to dread those Sundays… I won’t have to worry about a time limit of how long I have to spend with my favorite people until I have to leave again. I won’t have to worry about forgetting something at my “other home”. I’ll have all my stuff in one place. Everything that matters will be there and everything else that isn’t there, simply doesn’t matter.

I’ll be able to enjoy myself. I’ll be working at the bakery again getting free bread, cookies & scones every day. I’ll be using my longboard as my mode of transportation again. I’ll be living in Birkenstocks and tank tops and will always have a home cooked meal. I’ll be hanging out on trails and in parks and backyards every night. I’ll be able to hang out with my best friends, because they live just down the road in my neighborhood. I’ll be at my internship, hopefully figuring out what I actually want to do with this life of mine, which I’m not even worried about right now.

It’s weird how a simple scent can bring you back into the past. I took a shower here and used my body wash for the first time in a month… the smell of it brought me back to two summers ago… where nothing in particular happened. I used my lotion… it brought me back to the night I moved in here and the night we laid in my bed until 6am talking & laughing till our sides hurt and until we almost peed our pants. The smell of this bedroom and how it brought me back to the nights I was still getting used to being away from it all.

It really is the little things that matter in life. Too many people drown themselves in the bigger things… and worry about the grand scheme of things way too much. I can’t stand people. People are too big, their minds are larger than they deserve sometimes (well, most of the time). I don’t have a million friends, but the ones I do have are my best friends and they’re there for a lifetime. They’re the ‘common sense’ kind of people… the ones who think the way I do, even though they may not live the way I do.

More than anything I want to be back, and I look forward to that day more than anyone can imagine.